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What is your favorite Bill bit?

topic posted Tue, January 13, 2004 - 10:56 PM by 
I keep coming back to the dinosaurs in the Bible bit. I really love that one:

"And Jesus and the disciples walked down the path towards Nazareth, but oh the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus with a splinter in his paw, and the Disciples did run a screamin; what a big fuckin lizard lord. I’m sure gonna mention this in my book, said Luke. Well I’m sure gonna mention it in my book, said Matthew. I’m not sure what I saw, said Thomas. Timothy nudged him; it was a big fuckin lizard Thomas. But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland, where he lived in a lock oh so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin dollars to look for the Loch ness monster and oh the Scots did praise the lord; thank you lord, thank you lord.”
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  • Unsu...
     

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Wed, January 14, 2004 - 7:18 AM
    My favorite is when he tells everybody that works in advertising or marketing to go home and kill themselves.

    That and the bit about how when he did drugs he felt....happy. Didn't kill anyone, rape anyone, rob anyone, steal anything...etc.
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    • Ivan
      Ivan
      offline 20

      Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

      Wed, January 14, 2004 - 9:02 AM
      "I'm sick of us arming the world, and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, and then we blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herders feet.

      "Pick it up."

      "But I don't want to pick it up Mister, You'll shoot me."

      "Pick up the gun."

      "Mister, I dont want no trouble, huh. I just came to town to get some hard rock candy for my kids and some gingham for my wife. I dont even know what gingham is, but she goes through ten rolls a week of that stuff.. I aint looking for no trouble, Mister."

      "Pick up the gun"

      (sheep herder reaches down to pick up gun)
      BANG! BANG! BANG!

      "You all saw him, he had a gun"
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      • Lord J
        Lord J
        online 299

        Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

        Wed, January 14, 2004 - 9:10 AM
        And I'm not promoting the use of drugs, believe me, I'm not. I've had bad times on drugs, I mean, just look at this haircut. Fuck. Tell you, I live in New York now, man, tell you, man, the war on drugs has taken a real cease fire there, it's, I mean, it's incredible. They sell drugs out loud on the street. "Heroin, heroin! Heroin, heroin!" "Coke, coke! Smoke, smoke!" "Heroin, heroin!" Those guys bug the shit out of me. I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, passes one of those dealers, he looks at him, he goes, "Heroin, heroin, heroin!" I pass him, he goes, "Glue!" I can afford heroin, you fucker. I'm doing laundry right now. Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm coming back and buying some of that shit from you! I mean, he embarrassed me to death, I was mortified.
        Glue.
        Fucker.
        Where's a bank machine? C'mere! C'mere, Mr. Dealer, c'mere! I'm gonna show you my balance! Then I'm gonna buy heroin from that little kid across the street! Fuck you! New York's a rather tense town.
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        • Ivan
          Ivan
          offline 20

          Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

          Wed, January 14, 2004 - 9:28 AM
          fucking. hillarious.

          I used to always have people asking me for drugs. Then I cut my hair.
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          • Unsu...
             

            Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

            Wed, January 14, 2004 - 9:57 AM
            Rush Limbaugh is scat muncher!!!
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              Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

              Wed, January 14, 2004 - 10:10 AM
              Also the whole momolouge about JFK is fantastic.


              "Maybe if there were piegons holding him from the window sill and he was upside down"


              "I think when you become president you go into this room with all of the multinational conglomerates and this screen come s down and it is a shot of the Kennedy assasination from an angle you have never seen.Which looks suspisously a lot like the grassy knoll.The screen goes up and they any questions? Just what my agenda is"
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              • Unsu...
                 

                Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

                Wed, January 14, 2004 - 3:33 PM
                Oh that's an easy one-

                Jimi Hendrix, and his buzzsaw dick.


                MOMMMYY!!!!

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                • fko's
                  fko's
                  offline 143

                  Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

                  Tue, January 27, 2004 - 6:58 AM
                  People who hate people

                  theres a new party in town, the
                  People Who Hate People Party

                  "People who hate people, come together!"

                  "NO"

                  were kinda having trouble gettin off the boards , but you know

                  "Are you gonna be there?"
                  "Yeah"
                  "then I aint fuckin comming"

                  "but your our strongest member"
                  "fuck off"

                  "....damn
                  we almost had a meeting going"

                  "it's so hard to get my people together"
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                  • This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
                    Bone
                    Bone
                    offline 33

                    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

                    Sun, February 1, 2004 - 12:37 PM
                    Too many to list, but the "gays in the military" bit comes to mind...

                    "Here's my view. Anyone... DUMB enough... to want to go into the military... should be able to go. End of story.

                    (as military officer): "I don't want any gay people around when I'm killin' kids!"
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                    • Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

                      Sun, May 30, 2004 - 11:04 PM
                      "Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
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  • Tarkan
    Tarkan
    offline 45

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Wed, June 9, 2004 - 2:45 PM
    There are so many, but one stands out in my mind:

    "People who smoke pot are capable of doing anything normal people do, they just realize it's not worth the fuckin' effort. Sure, I could fight traffic all day and go to a job I hate...or *choke*...I could sleep until noon, and then get up and learn to play the sitar."
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  • MIKE
    MIKE
    offline 32

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Mon, June 21, 2004 - 7:26 PM
    "what you readin fo"
    hulligans crime spree
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    • Simon
      Simon
      offline 1

      Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

      Tue, June 22, 2004 - 5:50 PM
      The Charlie Hodge bit is way cool.

      I think my all time favourite is

      "When did we start listening to pre-pubescent white girls? I musta missed that meeting. We have on our fingertips the greatest minds of all time... Is it me? I mean, goddamn it, I remember I think - and maybe I'm romanticising the past - but I remember when music had a conscience, and music had soul, and music had balls, man. Does anybody remember that at all? Jimi Hendrix? Any question about that guy? (singing) 'Stand by the mountain/Chop it down with the edge of my hand.' This guy had a dick... like an anaconda..."
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  • Howie
    Howie
    offline 58

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Thu, August 26, 2004 - 6:02 PM
    You do a commercial you are off the artistic register forever and every word you say is suspect. You are satan's little helper.

    If you work in marketing or advertising, kill yourself. No joke here, just really, seriously kill yourself. You have no rationalization for what you do, you are Satan's little helpers...suck a tailpipe, hang yourself, borrow a pistol from an NRA buddy, rid the world of your evil fuckin' presence.

    "Oh, cool, Bill's going for that Anti Marketing dollar, that's a huge market"
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    • Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

      Sat, December 4, 2004 - 3:43 PM
      Hey Buddy, were Christians and we don't like what you said!

      "Then forgive me"
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      • AF
        AF
        offline 5

        Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

        Mon, December 6, 2004 - 8:30 PM
        "Did you see my Grammy?"

        "I ALMOST SAW A PUSSY!" BLAM! BLAM! (In a mall with a semi-automatic) "I NEED TO SEE A PUSSY!"

        "What ya reading fur?"

        "Oh, I dunno. I suppose so I don't end being a fucking waffle waitress."

        Its just as poignant as ever my friends. I BET HE'S ROLLING IN HIS FUCKING GRAVE!
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  • >>J*...
    >>J*A*5*|*N<<
    offline 96

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Tue, December 7, 2004 - 12:16 AM
    "I'm pro-life...
    Yeah you look it.
    You're just BRIMMING with it."

    "I'm pro-life-
    I'm a non smoker-
    I'm a pro-life, non-smoker....

    Let the Party begin!"
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    • Otter
      Otter
      offline 25

      Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

      Thu, December 23, 2004 - 11:19 AM
      My favorite Bill Hicks line:

      "Making marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake"

      But my favorite BIT is the mushrooms one:

      "A few weeks ago some freinds of mine and I went to a ranch in South Texas and took what Terrence McKenna called a 'heroic dose' - 5 dried grams. My third eye was squeegeed quite cleanly..... I spent 8 hours lying on a hill saying, 'my God, I love everything'...... but I'm glad they're illegal."

      Great stuff.

      Otter
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  • jona...
    jonathan
    offline 25

    Re: What is your favorite Bill bit?

    Sat, February 19, 2005 - 2:08 AM
    I think to date, the one that just blows me away is his rant on the "drunk cunt" in the audience on a live bootleg show from Chicago ... the whole set is very odd and Bill keeps getting heckled and doesn't put up with it at all towards the end of the set when he really looses it due to people yelling "Freebird" he quips back with "Hitler had the right idea - he was just an underachiever - kill them all adolf ... jew, black, white, american ... kill them all !!!! The experiment didn't work ... please god make it rain 40 days and 40 nights and wash these turds off my planet ..." etc ... ad naseum is just GENIUS in it's delivery .... ah yes "freebird - the mantra of the moron."
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